Humility

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. It’s traditional to give up things for lent, to fast. I decided to give up casual web browsing, television and reading fiction. I had grandiose notions of all the time I would spend in meditation and prayer, and how holy and cleansed I would be after the six weeks of Lent.
An hour later, I was surfing the web, followed by binge-watching videos.
I guess the spiritual lesson I’ll be learning this Lent is humility. There’s a part of me that’s terrified of silence, of emptiness. Terrified of just being with myself, I guess. I’ve been grappling with my addiction to overeating, but it seems there are other ways I’ve been trying to fill that hole.
There are times when I am able, even eager, to face that emptiness inside of me. But the notion of six weeks of unadulterated emptiness? Nope. No way. Can’t handle that.
So I’ll be exploring that fear instead. Embracing my weakness, and letting go of the image of myself as bad-ass inner explorer of the noosphere. I don’t love myself quite as much as I thought, so I guess my struggle is to be okay with who I am today, flaws, fears and all. To nurture and embrace that scared little boy in me. To be okay with being weak. After all, even Jesus wept in Gesthemane, and begged to not drink from that cup.
The cornerstone of my theology is embracing brokenness, in myself and others. But, lurking under that fine ideal, a sneaky egotism was lurking, believing secretly that I was better.
Well, I’m not. I’m scared, and I’m lonely, and I’m weak. And that’s the me that God loves. Can I love myself, too? Just as I am today?

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Humility

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